Where I Am

I've been meaning to write this post for about a week. The words are in my head they are just hard to put down. So I'll just start at the beginning.


On June 25th, I took a pregnancy test and it immediately showed a positive result. I should have expected it seeing as how I'd been nauseated for over a week but I had chosen to ignore it. I began to cry. I was terrified that I would have a sick pregnancy like with Emma and didn't know what I would do. Brian just smiled. He was happy. And he assured me that while we didn't plan on this happening, our Creator did.


I met with my doctor's nurse the next week to confirm I was pregnant. Because I had no clue the first day of my last period we scheduled an ultrasound for July 9th.


On that morning, Brian went to the appointment with me. After the ultrasound my doctor told me that once she measured 6 weeks and once she measured 7 weeks. Her concern was that she did not see a heartbeat. If I was 6 weeks that didn't concern her as much as if I were 7. She wanted us to have a 2nd ultrasound at the hospital the following week. It was the longest week ever.


On the 14th I went for the 2nd ultrasound. I knew the tech couldn't tell me anything but I was hoping to see the monitor. All I saw was the back of the machine. About 4:30, one of the doctors in the practice called me. (My doc was out of town) I think deep down I knew the answer already but I hoped I was wrong. The 2nd ultrasound confirmed there was no heartbeat. We are not sure why. The doctors assured me that nothing could have prevented or caused it. Sometimes it just happens. She gave me a list of options- waiting, surgery or a pill. We decided to wait.


I met with my doctor on the 19th to discuss the options in detail. After talking to Brian and my mom and praying about it, I decided that the surgery would be best for me.


And that's where I am. Thursday I had surgery at noon. I remember walking back to the OR and the nurses putting on the monitors. I remember the anesthesiologist telling me he was giving me the gas to put me out. Then I remember waking up in the recovery area.

The physical recovery has not been hard but the emotional side of it has. I can't really describe how I feel. I'm sad and heartbroken that this child will not be part of our lives anymore. I feel like staying in bed with my head under the covers but I can't. I still have my 2 kids who need me. They keep me going. The hurt is easier each day.

Prayers are welcomed.